Aladdin and the Magic Lamp

Written by: zoz

Ladeez and Gentlemen, Welcome to
Minoto’s Got Talent!!!

“First, let’s meet the judges –
On the left we have Mr. Panda!”
S’up dawg? Call me Pandy, man
“OOOOkaaay! Next up is everybody’s favorite: Miami Mom!”
Hello, hello. I just want to say that was a really good performance, and…
“Um, @Miami Mom, no one has performed yet.”
Oh, ok. Nevermind.
“And last, but not least [the crowd boos], it’s Uncle Combover!”
[Uncle Combover gives the crowd a Queen Mum wave – elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist]

“We have a packed show so let’s get right to the talent!
First up is Aladdin with the Snakes!”
[Aladdin Sane by David Bowie plays in the background:

Who will love Aladdin Sane
Uh hu hu uh hu hu, you’ll make it…

camera goes back to MC]
“I understand that performance was a bit premature as all of the props aren’t available yet, so we’ll come back to Aladdin at the end of the show. I’ll just take this melting candy someone left onstage.
Moving right along, help me welcome, Mr. Rabbit!”
[a hopping rabbit comes onstage to the cheers of the crowd. In the background, At the Hop by Sha Na Na plays:

Well, you can rock it you can roll it
You can slop and you can stroll it at the hop…]

“Thank you Mr. Rabbit! Judges?”
Pandy: Yo, dude! That was hot!
Miami Mom: I just want to say you look so cute tonight! You did kind of look like you had to go the bathroom, though (tee hee).
Uncle Combover: Well. That was perfectly adequate. However, I’ve seen performances of similar quality at Bunny Mitzvahs
[the crowd boos; Uncle Combover smiles.]
“After the break, Magic Mouse!” [the MC picks up a spool of thread someone left onstage]

commercial break

“And we’re back! Here’s Magic Mouse!”
[the camera cuts to Magic Mouse at a sewing machine, with the spool of thread, as he sews a beautiful carpet. In the background, “Magic Carpet Ride” by Steppenwolf plays:

I like to dream yes, yes, right between my sound machine

On a cloud of sound I drift in the night

Any place it goes is right

Goes far, flies near, to the stars away from here]

“Well @judges, what do you think?”
Pandy: Yo, dude! That was hot!
Miami Mom: that was just beautiful! It was almost like you were using thread to weave something magical! Like there was a mystic force, or something!
“Um, Miami, that’s what Magic Mouse did. He wove a Magic Carpet”
Miami Mom: Oh, ok. Nevermind!
Uncle Combover: I just have to say that was the best performance so far tonight. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean it was good
[the crowd boos, as we cut to commercial, but not before the MC steps across the carpet to pick up a hammer someone has left onstage]

[commercial break]
30/7/10 23:19

“And we’re back! Everyone put your hands together for Fluttering Uncle Schnozz!”
[we see an old man with a huge nose using leaves to flutter in the air above what looks like a bed of nails. The crowd gasps, “Ooooh!” But, cue music - Hammer Time by M C Hammer:

You can’t touch this!
You can’t touch this!
You can’t touch this!
You can’t touch this!
You can’t touch this!
Break it down
Stop, Hammer time

The old man grabs the hammer and pounds down the nails, and then floats harmlessly to the ground as the crowd cheers, “Raaaahhh!”]

“Let’s hear it for Uncle Schnozz, Fluttering no more!”
[the MC stoops to pick up the wooden footwear known as Geta that Uncle Schnozz left onstage]
“Judges, we’re running out of time, so make it fast!”
Pandy: Yo!
Miami Mom: um, …
Uncle Combover: I just want to say…
“Thank you judges!
We have time for one more act before the break, so join me in welcoming back Mr. Rabbit, this time backing up Mr. Monkey!”
[ Mr. Rabbit dons the Geta and reaches the doorbell, whereupon the door is flung open by Mr. Monkey. In the background we hear Hey Hey We’re the Monkees, by (doh) the Monkees:
Here we come, walkin’ down the street
We get the funniest looks from everyone we meet.
Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees
And people say we monkey around
But we’re too busy singin’
To put anybody down…

Since Mr. Monkey isn’t using it, the MC picks up the remote control he left onstage.]
Pandy: Huh?
Miami Mom smiles and waves at people in the crowd.
Uncle Combover: What was that?
“The judges can talk amongst themselves while we take a quick break!”

[commercial break]
30/7/10 23:21

“OK, we’re back for the final acts!
Let’s welcome Green Kitteh!”
[the camera shows a close up of Green Kitteh coveting something. The remote control previously abandoned by the Monkey switches on the AC, and Green Kitteh moves in front of it, while music from The Big Chill plays in the background: Jeremiah was a Bullfrog! No wait, that’s for another show! Scratch that music. Instead, cue Blackbird by George Harrison:
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise…

The Green Kitteh left a toy bird doll, which conveniently goes into a cage that has appeared stage left causing an energetic black crow to fly in through an open window.
The crow then pops the balloons outside the Monkey’s house and a Hand that Laughs falls to the ground. The crowd laughs, “HaHaHa!” because it is a toy that laughs because it tickles]

“Whew! That was quite an act! What do you think @judges?”
Pandy: Dawg! It started out a little pitchy, but you came on strong in the end. Good job!
Miami Mom: Oh, you all look so pretty tonight! [sighs]
Uncle Combover: I think that this act has put you in the running! You are now the act to beat!

“Ok, let’s head back over to the boat for our penultimate act. It’s the Lion!”
[the camera closes on a ferocious lion as we hear The Lion Sleeps Tonight, aka, the WeeMiWah song:

In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight…

The crowd gasps, “Oooh!” But then the Hand That Laughs makes the lion collapse with the giggles and the crowd joins in, “HeeHeeHeeHeeHee!”

the MC picks up a leaf that someone has left onstage, and walks over to the AC and holds the melting candy, which is getting messy, in front of it. It hardens into a brilliant jewel, no longer messy]

“OK, judges! How do you rate the Lion?”
Pandy: Yo! Dude! I couldn’t stop laughing!
Miami Mom is temporarily unavailable as she has fallen under the table laughing.
Uncle Combover: Laughable. Absolutely laughable.

“OK! For our last act, get ready for Koala and Aladdin and the Snakes!”

[the camera zooms on the Koala, who takes the leaf dropped by the Lion and scrambles up the tree, where he shakes loose three more Brilliant Gems. In the background we here a modified version of Marilyn Monroe singing Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friends:

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
but diamonds are a snake's best friends
A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental
On any of those grand snake dens

While the music plays, each snake eats a Brilliant Gem of the same color as the snake’s skin. They all collapse and a Magic Lantern appears. A quick blow from the hammer causes an angry-looking Genie to materialize, but the Hand That Laughs changes his demeanor instantaneously. It appeared from the lamp of magic. The food was produced with magic. Aladdin ate the food. It was tasty taste.

The crowd has already mobbed the stage and hoisted both Aladdin and the Genie onto their shoulders, declaring them the newest Minoto Idols!

Cue credits:
Magic Lamp end.
Only one method.
And fade to black.
30/7/10 23:23